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I recently saw a close friend, after some four months, I couldn’t see her last week because she was undergoing a laser eye surgery. But why? you don’t have cataract! and, and glasses are actually sexy! Next she is telling me about Dr. Batra’s hair clinic where she has spent a bomb on hair treatments in vain, she confesses she bought extensions(as if it were a sin), and that she is going bald. I look up, and I see that she has exactly the same amount of hair as she had in high school. I actually find her more beautiful than she ever was, her eyes are big and clear, they shine with intelligence and confidence, hardly any acne, and a flair for great grooming habits that she’s always had and that lady like demeanor, since our puberty days.

She complains she is so frail, doing countless hours of yoga and dieting, and now my eyes linger to her thighs as she gets up to tell the barista that she wants a refill for the table, she wants to get this round, her thigh is maybe the size of a muscular guy’s neck. But I am not going to point that out, instead I will present it as a compliment, “OMG but you are sooo skinny, I am sooo jelly” I smile at her, when in reality, I have been trying to fill up my own thighs and butt a bit more. Even when I know every guy-best friend I have had, confesses he dislikes rags and bones. But that wouldn’t have been a point. Because I dislike the idea of a woman tweeking herself, to fit a man’s taste. But we are only if anything, tweeking here. 

She will be the second of us three to get married, there is no race ofcourse, but I can just see it. The first is already gone, damaged, and now estranged and in shackles. And still the wedding dream is alive. Aaahhh. But I still believe, this one is definitely the more mature one, and when she will say yes, she will be mostly making a good decision.

K, the close friend insists, she doesn’t want to meet in the sun, I climb into her car with tinted windows, she would rather risk a fine worth some grands than un-tint the windows or worse get darker. But but we live in an age where Lupita Nyong’o has not only won an oscar, but she is also a standard of beauty. And and our own Frida Pinto is considered attractive on both the national and international front. I present this childhood friend-stranger of mine my argument. 

Yes, well Lupita Nyong’o does not live in our society, and Frida Pinto may have been in Slumdog Millionaire and might be loved internationally, but she looks from the slums. She looks like a kam-waali bai (a maid). K laughs and retorts back. She goes on to critique some other-now mainstream actresses, calling some fat, and simply dismissing others as ugly, by calling them bihari looking. For a lack of a better subject, and not to risk telling her off, she is afterall my friend, and good at heart. I open politics. She ofcourse shares the same political alignment as that of her parents.  

Alrite next, and next and next, movies, books, plays. We closely examine them. We talk about salons and spas. She complains about her maid some more. Then the driver. Then how lousy her brother is at the family business. 

Yeah, I think she is ready for an arranged marriage. Me? I am working on those abs so I can wear a sexy sari, a luscious lehenga, an elegante sharara, and a cocktail dress for all her ceremonies. And whisper in her ear, sitting close by about her awaited suhgaat raat– where she will be devirginiated by a man, who probably didn’t save himself for her, but hey.. she did right? and that is all that matters. What else can I do?

 

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We’ve heard the age old saying, “the third time is always a charm” well to be technically correct, let’s get rid of the term “always” from in there. Because let’s face it, even doctors don’t make promises. And as I sip my honey-lemon green iced tea, with my legs over my balcony, its dark and cool at this hour of the night here. The mosquitoes haven’t made their way yet. And I have just been out of yet another relationship.

What went wrong this time? you’d ask if you were one of my veteran girlfriends. And I’d simply tell you this, nothing. I have dated tons of men in my life, but I could call this one my second real relationship. PS: I’ve been told a relationship with no sex involved is apparently not a relationship. And ofcourse, a thing or a fling with just sex is also not a relationship. So here I am, nearing the mid-point of my twenties, and I have gotten one thing surely right.

Buddha was bloody right! its all about the balance!

“the balance my dearest is not letting anyone love you less than you love yourself”

the balance is also not letting anyone love you more, and sometimes substantially more than you love them.

So, why is the third time always a charm? I’ll tell you why.

Mostly, your first relationship is the oyster and a whirlpool of your mistakes. You probably loved the person too soon, said it too soon, without really meaning to, loved someone way more than they loved you back, didn’t know what love was. You somewhat damaged and bruised yourself in the process, if they were even trying to let you down nicely, you still managed to fuck it up for yourself.

The second relationship, if you are lucky, is usually the over-compensation. You finally meet someone who is an over-compensate of your ex. It feels like sweet karma, or sour karma, whatever your case may be. Where your ex falls short, they make up. This is the relationship where you are loved tons more than you can ever give back. Let’s be real. You are sometimes dating below your league or you are just dating a first-timer, and in rare cases someone who is just ready way sooner than you are. If you are an average selfish person, you stick to this person, I mean what is better than having someone at your beck and call at all times, someone who would never stray? Don’t they say marry someone you respect and who loves you in return. If you like comfort, this is your stop. But if you want that perfect ying-yang, this is your learning curve. Even though, this person is the healer of your bruised heart and it seems very selfish of you to leave them, in the periphery, this is one of the most selfless acts you will be doing. 

Now, the third time must be the charm? Well by now you have figured it all out. You’ve been around the block, two times maybe four. Its all upto you, how fast you learn. End of the day, love is a choice we make, and chemistry isn’t. If you are smart, you’d look for something that is a 50:50. You will understand that balance is what you want. You will know how not to hurry up things, and how not play people like fiddle. You can either turn this stage into the charm, or you can become the charmer. Having the experience of two real relationships, you can either help yourself by playing people mercilessly or using the same expertise to finally find something substantial. That, is ofcourse upto you. 

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Mad Men, lead me to this song by The Crystals. Obviously at the time too this song received much criticism-as a lot of people said it promoted domestic violence. But idk how, but I just get it. Then we have the EL James who wrote a whole series, might I add bestselling series, centered around an intern, a businessman and BDSM. And there is more, our literature is full of it, books have a dark sexuality to them. Sydney Sheldon was doing it to us back in middle school. Enhancing and affecting our sexuality, by the rape scenes on television and the tabooed, the literature. All of it. 

So what is it about us humans wanting to be punished/smacked/chocked/scratched and countless verbs from our significant others? It all boils down to the “heat” I want you so much that I would want to risk raping you, if I had to get you on my bed and in my clutches. Or like in the song, I will smack you because you were untrue, but it felt like a kiss to the one who is untrue because in a morbid way, the one who is smacking is hurt, and vulnerable at their hands and their love. He takes her in his arms. 

If it affects you, react damnit.

I refrained from sexual activity as a high school student because the sweet guy I was somewhat seeing would have been horrified had I asked him to force himself on me. Had I manipulated him into somehow forcing himself on me, the guy would have probably shot himself the next day. The whole point became resisting and teasing to the point where someone looses their control, but you can’t just do that on anyone. Chick flicks are promoting love with daisies all over the place, and I do not say it is not great to make love like that. But it is also nice to switch things. My first real boyfriend was also a good feminist guy, who got sadism and masochism but not domination and submission. To him, it was something he just couldn’t do. I felt like a complete freak around someone like that. Walking around, I would feel like an outcast, because I wasn’t having the kind of fun I wanted. The average college hookups weren’t meant for me, because a college boy’s idea of a hookup is drunk sex. He wastes his energy too much at the party and little does he save it for the after-party. It was high school all over again. Sexually, I have always felt like an outsider. I have had friends wonder out loud at me, as why I do not regularly date. I cannot confess to my girlfriends who are just happy ticking of kamasutra positions that, this is how I like my sex. I cannot turn a guy down, and tell him it is because I know he cannot match my sexual prowess. Like gay people have a so called gaydar, wherein they can scan out gay men in a crowd, I can too scan out the sissies and ask them to stop trying. But while it is okay for a guy to come out and say, hey I am gay, it is still inappropriate to bring up D&S and S&M as your sexual identifiers. 

Yet, back to the crystal’s He hit me, and it felt like a kiss. Although morbid in that Amy Winehouse kind of a way, it is a prevalent subculture that you just cannot ignore. As most days, I feel like a queer, which I am not. This is actually perfectly normal, and a rape fantasy (WITH CONSENT) is infact the most common fantasy. 

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Child Abuse

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I was recently reading a story on how Dean Tripple had drawn something that is so hard to talk about. And it is astounding to me how many kids are molested/raped/abused. Who are these monsters I would ask myself at first? How can you do that to a little child? What makes it okay for an adult full grown man or woman to do this to little kids?

It really goes thru the roof for me when I see little kids around myself, thats when your heart really starts pumping rage. Having a particular cousin who is some 17 years younger than I am, who I particularly love, I would cut up the groin of the man who even looked at her such. But more than anything, we have to create an environment at home that is a “safe zone” a safe zone where a kid can come and confess or tell her mother or me all her secrets. No kid, should be lead to believe that they can handle this all by themselves. 

Having known a close friend, who despite the most protected environment, as a kid, was regularly “touched” by one of her servants. Then as the years passed by, she told herself that she liked it. An 8 year old, is being molested and to cope up with it the grown up 18 year old is telling herself that she kind of liked it. “I like it when my friends make bad decisions in life, it is good, everyone should get screwed over, it makes me happy” I was aghast when I heard that coming from my supposed best friend, I asked her if she really meant it, and she confirmed.

See, it is all so easy for parents to not even know whats going on with their kids, they too are living their lives, day-in and day-out, but please don’t make kids if you can’t protect their fragile lives. My guardians guarded me too much, resultant I ended up creating two parallel lives for myself. As I am older, and I hear about all these child molestation stories, I thank them everyday for ensuring my safety, but I was an overprotected kid. In essence, they don’t even know who I really am. I am one person at home, and a completely different person outside. I have never gotten a boyfriend or even the majority of my friends home. I pick and choose who my parents think I am associated with, because being their first born they were always too concerned for my safety.

But no one can move around with our children 24/7 and even beyond their adolescence, but in their formative years we need to empower them, for life. We need to be able to teach them to be comfortable and be able to merg their outside and inside home life at some point atleast. A struggle that I continue to face myself. But more importantly we cannot under-protect them. We need to teach them the difference between an okay touch and a bad touch. We need to tell them, that if they came back to us with a rape story or a molestation story we won’t hold them responsible, or we have to make sure that we don’t give the “I don’t want to know about that” vibe. 

One of my aunts confessed that as a child she was molested by one of her older cousins, the other one confessed that she was almost raped in college. Thing is my grandparents are and were educated folks, yet they made it so hard for their own kids to come and tell them these things. Women in general have a tendency to share and talk about it, if not today then somewhere down the line, but as men are wired in some societies, it is made even harder for them to break down infront of anyone. My grandfather found it particularly offensive when a worker in a warehouse told him the owner had something about his granddaughter’s(mine) arse. He got offended to the point that he refused to take me to work the next day. I argued that getting catcalled is a very normal routine in a girl’s/woman’s life, can you come with me everywhere? 

He said, “I don’t want to know about that, it hurts me when it happens infront of my eyes, that(catcalling) doesn’t happen infront of me” 

And there it was. The classic, don’t come and tell me. Whatever else he might have meant, this was all I could hear. Loud and clear. He even argued and commented on my couture, sending me the only message that I could hear, it is your fault. 

Little kids are fragile, even us adults are, the scars of childhood are hard to recover from. And the most deserving of kids ask for our love in the most undeserving manner. It is true. People make large families, oblivious to the fact that every extra kid is not just an added expense but also a fragile tiny life you have to guard, not under, or over, but just enough. It is hard, to find that optimal balance, and as a friend to some new mother’s who share that their perspective has completely changed since they have become mothers, a couple of them, pretty sure that they are “fucking it all up”. But we have to find ways to combat this. This can’t be another, “it is what it is”. Pedophiles should also seek help. Victims must also speak up, parents and family should function as a support system, where you keep your secrets at, not who you keep your secrets from. It is okay to seek help. 

For the full comic strip :http://www.upworthy.com/its-hard-to-speak-about-these-things-in-public-so-he-drew-this-instead-5?c=ufb1

http://www.tencentticker.com/somethingterrible/

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Just when you thought, it couldn’t get shallower, it gets to this. A chinese man sues his wife for “ugly kids”, and wins.

Lawsuits are getting crazier by the day.

Rumor has it that she had plastic surgery. Okay, volla to measure up to the mainstream beauty standards. But beauty is not just skin deep, who we are, and what we look like is encoded in our DNA. 

But, really, a father sues his wife, the mother of his kids for ugly children? how ugly is this man’s heart? Shouldn’t a father be digging more deeper to love his children? 

What we are skipping here is, oh huh, I don’t know that these kids are also half his! So if he is so goddamn good looking that he can’t stand the idea of his “horrifyingly ugly” kids, he should also learn biology 101, and understand that it takes two to tango. Let’s hope these kids didn’t get his douchebag genes.

Alrite, one side of the story is, that the woman indeed frauded him with cosmetic surgery. By natural selection we do seek mates that would produce us our desirable offsprings. But whatever in the world happened to “love” being the pillars on which your marriage sustains and grows? 

A part of me is angry, because we objectify women so much, we airbrush them. On magazine cover’s their photoshopped images sometimes even have a leg or idk ribs missing.

And that part of me wants to scream “screw you, bitch” to this woman as well, because instead of living with who she is and not crumbling down to the pressures of the beauty standards inflicted on her by the outside world-and not realizing her own inner beauty, she went ahead, and literally got her whole face changed.

Yet I know one thing for sure, her life must have severely improved after that. As sad as it sounds, the world is kinder to good looking people. It’s a fact. There is an endless stream of benefits that is directly correlated to your good looks, but I won’t be wrong when I say inner-beauty is also rewarded. 

Yes, right here in this world. Image

 

The man is a douchebag too. Yes, he has been frauded into thinking that the woman is pretty, which she is after her surgery, but what if she was originally a stunner who, I don’t know, got burnt in an accident, lost a limb or gotten a severe skin disease? Would this man have left her then too. Should that happen to him? It’d only be fair. And what about the little things she maybe does for him? his lawsuit is absolutely ridiculous, because we constantly change, it can be aging or plastic surgery, but we all do change.

My other self argues, then why get crooked teeth fixed at all? Why wear makeup? If you really don’t want to objectify people and want people living well in their skin, why don’t you drop that kohl pencil and those countless brushes you sweep on your face every morning. To which I will counter-argue that taking care of one ownself is different than maybe changing who we are. 
I think it all comes down to maybe, how much is too much?

Plastic surgery is common. But it doesn’t make it alrite. Going under the knife is a huge deal, but its also really not. It’s a personal preference. If people can get ahead while after a plastic surgery, it is a dog eat dog world. In a way. 

Yet, in a way, a father is still a father. And suing over ugly children? Really.

PS: Dear Dude, your kids hate your gut already.

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There are more ways to feel the burn of racism than just the direct one, when one person from one race or faith decides to date another, they also face a type of racism.

In my dating history, not deliberately, yet I have dated across religions and races. I think the only time a woman or a man gets deliberate is when they choose to date their own race, or just one race. And even then, its is personal preference and it should be left to them. While I date the person I want to, I seem to piss off others. I do not understand this recurring phenomena, yet I face this every time. Its been some 50 years since the civil rights moment and some 70 since India has been declared a secular state. Yet, whenever I find myself dating a black, a muslim or a white guy, I find some people ridiculing me. I find people even telling me that I will be punished by own kind, for dating these “others”. It is hateful, and it should stop. What two people decide to date should totally be upto them and should be their business. But here are common insults I get. 

When I date a black/african guy:

1. She likes it big

2. She has no standards

3. You can never marry “that”

4. Find someone of quality

5. (somebody pushed me, yes, actually pushed me)

6. Mama likes chocolate

7. How is your nigga?

8. If you ever marry him, don’t be surprised if he has another baby mama in another state

9. They always cheat

10. Find someone of quality, find someone of your own
11. I had respect for her, then I saw her with him

12. He’s just her fetish
13. Your kids will have no faith, what will you teach them? They will be confused about their identities
14. Why him?

When I date a muslim guy:

1. She likes it circumcised

2. Isko kya chahiya, katta lund aur muh mai allah (what does this one want, she wants a circumcised dick and someone who says Allah)

3. What are you going to be, wife number 2? 

4. You know some of them only go for non-muslim women just so they can convert them 

5. Find someone from your own faith

6. I can date anyone, but I can never date a muslim, why are you bent on ruining your life, your parents will cut you off 

7. Your kids will have no faith, what will you teach them? They will be confused about their identities

8.Why him?
When I date a white guy: 

1. She is a sellout 

2. He is into colored women 

3. Why can’t you find someone from your own race

4. White men eventually cheat

5. Your marriage with a white guy will never last

6. Atleast this is better than dating a black guy, a muslim guy or a mixed breed 

7. You are not white you know

8. Your kids will be so pretty 

9. She thinks she is white

10. She is not happy about who she is and where she comes from 

11. She is trying to marry up the foodchain 
12. She’s one of “those”

13. You are just his fetish

 
14. Your kids will have no faith, what will you teach them? They will be confused about their identities

15. Why him?

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Marriage Isn't For You.

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