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Archive for September, 2014

Some months ago my father got a heart attack.

I vividly remember what caused it. Me.

My father loves me and to a fault. I am spoilt. Overprotected. Over-demanding. Basically every baggage that comes with being overly adored, I have checked that in. So after a rough few months I decided to pack my bags and capitalize on my somewhat exotic looks, even in India, I know am not the prettiest chick, but you’d give me a double take, I decided to go to the city of dreams, for an audition for a hush* a tv show. After a not so intricate selection process they scouted me and asked me to come to Mumbai for an audition, it was the next day, I didn’t have enough time to tell my parents in advance, and thus began my hours of persuasion. It came as a complete shock to them that their daughter would want to do anything with the showbiz, let’s face it I ain’t that vain. You could say I am no aware of if I am good looking, but I am, only I also realize its very very temporary.

He let me book my flight, and offered to drive me to the airport. Only he was found passed out in the bathroom at 3 am. It disturbed me. It was in the back of my head. I took the flight anyway, got there, realized what I was getting into. Sweet talked the director to cut off my audition footage to be ever aired on tv. I wanted nothing to do with that life. 15 days later my father actually had a heart attack. This time I was there to take him to the hospital. Things change, when you strut around a CCU.

Things really change when you know a loved one has a weak heart. When the doctor warns don’t give him “stress” and keep his cholesterol in check. You start viewing every situation as a potential threat. You talk a sibling out of moving in with the boyfriend, even though you know there’s nothing morally wrong with that. You start looking at your own choices, in terms of career and men among other things. You resent everyone who brings in tasty food at home. Your parent becomes your child.

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Diamond I am not

ugh the shattered rose colored glasses
but mine they spread like crystal, look!
the difference between glass and crystal is thus
when one breaks it causes just bleeds
when the other does, it still gleams
I don’t break, I shatter
and even when I shatter, I still gleam
because my heart, it wasn’t made of glass
it was crystal 

 

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he looks at me like I’m magic
oh honey, but this is just tragic
do you ever wonder why
or is your love too strong for both of us
too strong
too enough
I am a barren woman
barren and broken hearted
I cannot help it
I wish I could
I live, rigged in my reality
I live, rigged from my reality
but you, you are like magic
so full of life
that for once, I do not despise
I have everything but nothing at all
you have less and more than I thought
but baby, stop looking at me like I’m magic
cause I’m really not
for what will happen when your rose colored glasses accidentally fall?
you will really see me for who I am
it may make me sad but it will make you sadder

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my hair will grey
aah the skin it will all sag
but I swear I shall not be sad
at the fallacy of my youth
that which I have if at all
the sanity of my mind
I shall be sans
then I will need ya’ll to make me remember
who I am and who I was
the girl I used to be
the woman I am yet to be
somethings you just better to believe
sometimes you just have to heave

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