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Archive for October, 2013

The seven men in bed

The Jock

He thinks he is god’s gift to womankind. In the name of pulling hair he will actually pull your hair out! He is rough, and not the good kind. He will probably make you lay on his back while he does push-ups. He is the ultimate insecure guy. He is mostly found saying shit like “Say my name?” sometimes while showing you a bulging eye. Which actually makes it hilarious. He thinks he’s great at sex, because he can bench press 848973827 or because he flipped thru kamasutra. His body is well chiseled, you’d think he just walked out of men’s health right now. But just cause its rock hard, doesn’t give him an edge as a lover. If anything, the body will feel like a mannequin. Why do you want to cuddle, save yourself his morning breath and go cuddle with your headboard instead, as both of them feel the same. And both are such tools. 

Mr. Prude 

Mr Prude will refuse to give you a head. He will argue that giving a woman head is something he just doesn’t do. Well guess what karma is a bitch, what goes around only comes back around. He is probably a nice guy. But he is a prude. He thinks he’s dangerous because he was in a threesome once, or has had anal. A bad threesome, or a bad anal still doesn’t suffice for sexual coolness. He is mostly concentrating on his own jerking off. He has no sense of timing. Walk away. He will never take responsibility for being bad in bed. He needs to grow up. 

The Groaner

This man will gorannnn in mighty pleasure. You’d think what the hell am I doing to him, LOL. He’s above average at sex. He is hell bent on making you “touchdown” he might not give you the best head, but he will fill you up, and leave you sore. He wants to make it to your list of best fucks ever, in golden words. Baby, you got it. The only man who can beat him is the man a woman falls in love with. But you won’t ever be able to get over the fact that you can actually turn on a fellow human being that much? Was it you? or was it just him? He will almost always ask you the follow up question, “so how was it” and please don’t say “short and sweet”, don’t play, be honest with this one, because the next time he will be hell bent on making it anything but that. I think this man lives to groan and lives for his groins.

The Head man 

This guy is indeed god’s gift to women. He will do stuff to you, you could never replicate with anybody. He will take hours down there. You will be screaming “god bless america” once he is done. He is sensitive. He might not even press you on sex. He makes the most of whatever is given to him. He will make it soft. He will blow you first, blow your mind later and make conversations later. You’d doubt he is part gay. Hey, maybe he is. 

Mr. Biggest Dick ever 

If you are someone who has a lot of sex, this is like fourth of july fireworks for you. But if you are like the new age virgin, this man is soo big, there isn’t going to be a second time. He is huge! Even the first time will be barely there. He won’t be able to get it in, and maybe after too much lube when it does get in. The sex is going to be. Ehh. You will be glad, you lived to tell the story, except you won’t. The sight of something that big, is simply disgusting. Its inhuman. 

Surprise Fucker 

This is the douche bag of the lot. Flirt flirt. Talk a bit, kiss much, and next thing you know this guy on top of you, two strokes, and he is done or rocking you up and down like an energizer bunny. WTF. When they say, “chivalry is dead” they mean him. He is the dog of the lot. He maybe fucks to say he did it. He will not only spray it, he will actually say it, correction: he’s probably going to scream about it to his buddies. Hell he would even fuck a drunk passed out girl. He is the shame of all mankind. I am sorry men like this even exist. They are like non-existant beings. 

The guy who complicates it

There is something when you are emotionally involved with someone. The sex is just going to be good, and regularly great. They will be intuned with your sexuality, and you will be intuned with their’s(hopefully). You will want to cuddle with this guy and no it won’t seem fake, not atleast to you. I think when they say love conquers all, this is what they mean-because atleast in your head, this is what it is. And since, it is what it is, in your head ie, the only problem is you will spend too much time worrying about his pleasures and he will be concentrating on yours. Sex isn’t that much mind work either. Although this guy comes with a mixed bag, or orgasms and non-orgasm sex, fact is when with this one, you both are actually trying too hard. Someone could tell this guy to keep it simple stupid (KISS). They might not be the biggest guy on the block, or on your block wink wink. So yes, whatever douches or jocks you got. Remember there is always a bus that takes you to the home…run. So hop on, but fair warning: because of the emotions involved “its gonna be a bumpy ride” both literally and figuratively.

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Brace Yourself No Shave November Is Coming

I am not yet gasping for air or rolling my eyes. And now young man, you are getting ideas… aaah ideas.

And I dare, I dare you to observe a no-shave november.

Sideline: why november? why why why? its my birthday month and I see men with beards, a little bit of facial hair is sexy, but you are telling me you will observe a no-shave november when it is not even your religion, screw you, I ain’t kissing your face. Or kissing any of your heads. I am not asking a guy to get his legs waxed, but why isn’t it common for them to keep certain kissable (with tongue action) regions hair free.

Why.Do.I.Have.To.Spell.This.Out.To.Every.Guy.Every.Single.Time?

Its gross. While women are told everywhere they got to keep it hair free, why aren’t men getting this straight. 

Make it a no-shave november and I will sure as hell make it a no-sex november. You would call me insensitive, as the cause behind no-shave november is maybe strong. November is a month of great things, my birthday, Diwali, Thanks-giving, Black Friday Sales, NanoWrimo and holiday shopping, and did I also mention my birthday! But, why I ask, No-Shave November? 

Even if no-shave november supports anything that it claims to support, how does a month of not shaving really changes anything? There a billion things to celebrate the eleventh month of the year, with pumpkin lattes and left over halloween candy and leftover diwali sweets, cuddle up write a novel, look at the snow flakes if you live in the northern hemisphere, spend time with family. Workout for underneath the sweater abs. But why, my friend, do you insist on no-shave november? 

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The Invitation

The Invitation 
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer 

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing. 
It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know 
if you will risk 
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are 
squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you 
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know 
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone 
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

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Rape, its our fault

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