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Archive for May, 2013

Men and boobs

Man Boobs or Moobs. Here’s a news flash: They will never ever go in again. There’s absolutely nothing you can do. And I cannot even begin to tell you how much of a turnoff they can be.

Dear man with man boobs, 

I feel sorry for your wife/girlfriend/significant others, that is if you have any, 

To the Douche bags who do that weird thing with their pecs in the pool to girls they hardly know or are trying to hit on. 

Just so you know, us women aren’t really turned on by your mammary glands as much as you think. None of our conversations ever go
“omg his pecs were bulging out” or
“he does that thing with his pecs that makes me go weak in my knees”

Its really the shoulders and the arms and abs. So while you are at it, suck it in baby. But please, do not under any circumstances do that weird thing with your pecs. Because that makes me want to put my pencil heal through your eyes. 

And ofcourse those of you brothers with man boobs, just so you know where media might have glorified a woman licking her boobs, you my friend will never look hot licking them. So please do not get them. Once they are there, they will never go away. Prevention, is truly better than cure here. 

http://www.askmen.com/sports/bodybuilding_150/156b_fitness_tip.html

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Boys and men my age understand Sports Bras, but they do not seem to understand High Impact greatest shit ever Sports Bras. And some of my As Bs and Cs girlfriends also don’t get it.

Anecdote 1: I recently came home, a couple of my friends decided to show up unannounced. Me being the lazy dazy, was unpacking in my sports bra. It didn’t occur to me to change. The door bell rang, someone told me there are people for me, I sniffed my armpits cause ..uhh you know indian summer and a lot of exhaustion. check and check and I left my room to greet my favorite assholes. A few hours of bullshitting and sitting around, annoying the shit out of each other. They left.

My phone buzzes. “How much do you stuff your bra? lol lol”
I was taken aback
“Hun I don’t need to, but what do you mean?”
“Dude, you were like almost flat! haha I could see the disappointment on [insert our guy friend’s name]’s face rofl”
-_-

Here is SPORTS BRA explained for you: skip to 3:36

Thankyou Jenna Marbles

Science and Tech has blessed us with some awesome high support sports bras, please do not judge or make inferences. We women are blessed, we have boobie mattresses aka miraculous bras that can even give a minus A girl some big D’s and then we also range into minimizers and high support sports bras. Honey it costs a bit of money to come up with such great fabrics. But as they say, all the money in the world would be useless if not for a woman.

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If I could live my life as fragments of your fantasy put together
I would, and sometimes I do
different lifetimes condensed into one
a few overlaps
I break his heart when I tell him
daddy am leaving
he is used to it
he says little one when you were younger
you would only walk if you had your tiny feet on mine
and now you only seem to walk when your feet are on my heart
its no vacation
its a one way ticket
I won’t even know if I will come back
No weddings to attend, no baby showers
I dodge them all
even when she is trying to conceive
yes, her. She’s a graceful woman now
I was the absent maid of honor
I will be the absent aunt when she gives birth
She’s trying hard, she tells me about her miscarriages
and I feel guilty
she wants what I had
and I never treat anything I have well
I look up and pray
tell him she’s the more deserving one
but he never listens, we don’t talk anymore
he never listened when I told him
let this girl go abroad and shine, she’d do better
how do I abort, and she craves for one
now that when she wants me here
I want to just leave

I look at my momma
her smile is empty
her ipad is full
with my pictures
so is her house’s walls
her head with my meories
I am the worst kid she could have had
I know I am cruel, sweet mamma
but I don’t understand my own drama

I detach myself from my world
sometimes all it takes is willingness
some money
and a bit of remorse

To walk on forever and never once turn to see
I have made that a habit, you see
What became of my past- what people thought
that never surpasses my thoughts
why I couldn’t make it right,
still haunts me at times in the night
and never question my decision
Not to think beyond to find another solution
Why does the world become too small for guilt
And everything begins to shut down
Never wonder about the validity of others’ beliefs:
it is me who makes all the mess
everywhere I go
And if questioning could make me feel any less
Determined to leave

but if you hurdled me
I would get a foreign girl’s weave
put on some false eyelashes
bleach my hair red green or blue or blonde
put some color into my eyes
smile a fake smile
pretend to be someone I am not
just so I can walk away

because the wanderlust I have
to be in a place where no one knows
from where I belong
and what I am
is too damn strong
idk why I run
why I can’t stay

the round trips minus the return tickets I have made
have never costed me my memory
and that is my misery
the journey never feel as complete as in theory
but I do bask in their fair glory

I forever live in my trance
all it takes to say goodbye
is a pat on the back and a hug and a bye

it has become so easy to pack and leave,
to fight my tears back in
looking forward to another place
where no man knows my name
where I am forever humbled
and I know there are many more ways to exist
the same life
and eat the same food
and breathe in the same air

here I am again
I am leaving again
I don’t know when will I be back
or what will I be back to
because someday they will tire of me
and that will be my biggest regret

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My tummy is in a turmoil, a culture shock of sorts. I cannot handle the spice and everytime I eat anything made in the conventional Indian way, I am ushered to the bathroom to sit myself on my jet powered pot.

I am in Delhi’s big belly, this city will charm you, and the people here will charm the pants off off you. Hahah please do not go with the media bias of the “rape city”. I have been here since sunday, and I can deffi measure my stay up until now by the number of times I have been to the bathroom, toilet, its called toilet in this part of the world.

Now that I am getting a hang of myself, and the food around me. Delhi means an oyster of new options for me. Specially breakfast options. I am not a sweet person, I cannot wake up in the morning and drown myself in syrup or float in cereal(although I make exceptions every now and then). I need something concrete and something I know is doing tremendous good to my body. Breakfast in India is notoriously unhealthy-aloo parathe up north and idli down south (read carbs carbs in the morning, yuck!), aah don’t ask the locals, ask me. Although I am a local.  

I am your oats and coffee kinda girl on good days, and just coffee on my confused days. I would rather eat nothing than anything bad. 

Here is what I ate for breakfast this morning. 

ImageSprouts! baby Sprouts, my amino acids for the day (check) sprouts are my go to snack, salad toppings and breakfast. I say when in doubt sprout! It takes a day to sprout them, after rigorous rinsing and cleansing. This is an awesome power food, and definitely better than pancakes and cereal, a great pre-workout snack. I added red onions to fight the heat.

All in all, am happy. I am finding my balance. One sprout at a time.   

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My last meal

ImageThere’s a certain symbolism attached to the image above, you see I first visited New York City when i was a three month old infant, and since then I have visited this place every year. Somewhere in my teenage years I fell in love for the first time, with New York City. It was the time of towering men carrying boomboxes. Listening to their music out loud, ice cream trucks (you’d think its staple to every kid’s childhood, but not really), I had a library card for the New York Public Library before any other card. You see I feel in love with the downtown midtown and uptown spirit of New York, I loved the artists playing in the subways, I loved the summer heat, I loved the ferry. I used to look at the sky scrapers and as a kid I used to feel how cool would it be to own one of those, and yet how even after owning one of them I will be just one of all of them. The New York I initially feel in love wasn’t williamsburgh or the new harlem, or the tribecca film festival, or the food tours. These were the added little somethings that kept me interested. This is the place where my first school was, where I got my first piercing done. At age 1, my earlobes :P. This is the place where I saw my first musical, RENT. My first kiss, by that white marbled church on broadway street. The first time the same guy asked me out while I was rolling spagetti around my fork.

But, now I am leaving. I am leaving home, to my other home.

Me with my cousins, running around the city, and our backyard in Long Island. Froot Loops was all of our kid’s morning staple food, with those gumby and loony tunes cartoons. I hadn’t touched this cereal in a long time.

But, now that I leave my grandma’s place for good. Probably never to be back on long island again, I gave myself a little ritual. The bowl n the picture above was a set of four bought at my parent’s wedding. The frugal woman my grandma has been, she never really throws anything unless it becomes nonfunctional. In her defence, she has seen too many ups and downs in her one life. So from the childhood videos my parent’s captured of me eating sitting on the dinning table, being fed out of a bowl with similar design. I choose this to eat my last meal here in this house. And I choose froot loops because the vitamin and mineral conscious me would never eat them again. Unless I have my own babies some day, and we watch sunday morning cartoons eating froot loops. But who knows, what they would eat, or even if they exist in my future. 

Addios L Dr.

 

 

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Class Clowns Taking Over The World Of Success

Growing up I was that quiet kid who wasn’t too popular among my fellow classmates. I was the one that always got straight A’s and didn’t give much import to social interaction. That is, until I got to high school. During high school I jumped from one end of the spectrum to the other. During my teen years I didn’t bother to do much studying.

I don’t believe I read an entire book during those four years — except for the “Harry Potter” series of course. I didn’t do homework, I didn’t prepare for exams, but I did crack jokes — lots of them. Maybe I decided that I needed to make up for my years of solitude. Maybe I was just being rebellious and really did not give a shit about my schooling.

Whatever the case, I am better for being a class clown. There are several reasons why being a class clown during high school can later be of benefit. Here are five reasons why that class clown you grew up with is likely to be successful:

 

5. They have mastered the skill of slacking.

Being a class clown takes more effort than most people believe. A proper clown will manage not only to make a joke of the educational institution, but also manage to get by with slightly above average marks. Learning to maximize minimum effort is an art. This is not to say that slacking is something that we ought to do — nevertheless, it is something that all of us do. There always comes a time when we become a bit burned from all the hard work that we have been putting in for months on end.

Finding yourself unable to work at your regular capacity can be disheartening and stressful, only worsening your state. The class clown, a.k.a. professional slacker, has perfected the art of getting away with doing very little work. This, of course, is not something to praise when having the ability passionately to do more. But when we need to recharge, being able to do jack-shit and make it look like the work of an above average employee is very useful.

4. Class Clowns hone in on their lying skills.

We all lie — some more than others. Class clowns particularly have a lively ability to make a falsehood believable. I am sure that you have all been told that “lying is bad” at some point in your life. But let’s be honest… it is a necessity of life. Getting yourself out of difficult corners when your back is up against the wall is a survival skill.

There are many times when lying will not cause anyone any harm, but will rather help maintain a business relationship. Lying can become addicting and be used to cause ill will, but having so much practice, class clowns tend to know where to draw the line.

The-Simpsons-s11e12-The-Mansion-Family

3. They’re funny. Funny works.

Making a girl laugh may get her to drop her pants, but making a possible investor laugh is likely to get them to drop that ink on the dotted line. Business partners will only work with people whom they believe they can trust, people whom they get along with. Having a keen ability to make people smile or chuckle will break the ice and allow them to feel more comfortable in your presence. Having a good sense of humor — for whatever reason — makes people feel that you are trustworthy.

Having such a skill is not easy. It relies on having the ability to read people and understand them. It requires having a sense of what is likely to be going on in their mind and understanding what they would find amusing — and appropriate. Different people have different senses of humor. Being able to read their personality and find a level ground of humor will make them more comfortable with the thought of doing business with you. Class clowns have spent years perfecting this ability.

2. They tend to be more ballsy.

Some of the comments that class clowns make are risqué — borderline inappropriate if not over the fence. Class clowns have a tendency for pushing things to the limit. They try their luck at poking at a professor or a situation and see how far they can take it before they get reprimanded. They take on risk. This should most obviously be a skill that all successful people have.

In order to be successful you must have the guts to take risks. At the same time, however, you must also learn how far you ought to push things, how high of a risk you are comfortable with taking and when to back down in order not to get bitten. These are all skills of risk management that class clowns teach themselves without even knowing that they are doing so.

billymadison

1. They present life as it is: one big joke.

Life can easily be taken too seriously — and it often is. Life is known for throwing shit our way and gauging our reactions. How we react to problems, how we see them, may be the difference between success and failure itself. People can only take so much stress before they break and crumble; stress itself relies on how we perceive events.

When we perceive issues to be of great importance and mistakes or failures to be detrimental, then we are bound to remain failures. Being able to look on the brighter side of things, being able to always see a way out of the tunnel, understanding that life is meant to be laughed at, will keep you fighting the good fight for much longer.

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Recently my friend took off his shirt, and vollaa both his nipples were pierced. And I flinch, every time I see a nipple that’s pierced. I have added respect for the tolerance for pain this person has. A pierced nipple is no child’s play. You got to respect a pierced nipple. And if it is on a guy, bow down to him twice. From what I have heard it hurts ’em even more. But what’s amazing is a piercing like that is pleasurable in a very twisted way. When your nipple is clamped tightly with a clamper by the piercer it hurts as is, and as soon as the needle is put thru your nipple, it hurts like in a loosing your virginity kinda way(now, I don’t know how will men relate to that). Its very very pleasurable. Ofcourse bear in mind you don’t let out a sound that the man piercing you can clearly resonate with as a sex sound, and do not, I warn you, do not let your eyes roll back. Because then the piercing of the second nipple becomes awkward, so awkward that you will apologetically say. “I only wanted one”. Because this stranger basically gave you an almost orgasm without doing shit. But please don’t go to a piercing place thinking and hoping for an orgasm. Everyone’s experience is different. But all us pierced fellas will tell ya in unison, it hurts like a mothafuckaa.

And my dear pierced brothers, I especially salute ya. A nipple piercing is pleasurable because this area of the body has a lot of nerve endings. BDSM? Foreplay? But it is very very painful because of the same reasons.

I like piercings more than tattoos because you can always change your mind about piercings. You can live them, enjoy them, get ’em out and forget about them. While removing a tattoo is very very hurtful. Piercing heals by itself.

In October last year, me and my friend got our nipples pierced together.
So this is what the standard protocol is. (incase you are wondering)
You will be asked what kind of piercing do you want, a barbell or a ring (barbell is better for starters)
Then you will be asked whether you want it across, down or diagonal
The room you are pierced in must be sanitized, including the tools.
Fresh paper should be laid on the thing where you lay.
You will be asked to remove your shirt, don’t hesitate and act silly. Piercing people get offended. I remb my friend acted weird, and the guy coldly said “I am a professional”
Stand up straight, let your boobs fall naturally.
The artist will mark you, measure what kinda gauge you may need.
Now you lay down, hold a friend’s hand if you have to. Because this will hurt.
Your nipple is clamped, and THAT alone HURTS
A hook like needle is put in your nipple (AAAAAAHHHHHHH…)
The barbell/ring is pushed in

Next, they should give you a paper on after care.
But here are a few tips anyway:
What to expect:

(Immediately)
Sore boobs, so sore that you will have to hold them when you even walk. Forget about sleeping on them for a while. Don’t let your partner do anything to them for atleast a week. It will take a week or two for it to be not sore anymore. I remb blacking out in the bathroom after getting pierced and while taking a shower just after. Maybe* a shower right after is not my personal recommendation.

They typically can be done stuff to in three months from the piercing. Spray it regularly with Bactine. Expect crusty things to come out for an year. Do not freak out, its meant to be like that. Do not wear lace lingerie until month four. Clean with an unscented soap.

And enjoy and look at people’s changed expressions when you tell them you have your babies pierced. PS: Tell No One

Cause they will judge ya 😛

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