Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for February, 2013

I am standing in the eye of the hurricane, yet I crave for a hand to hold, I do not realize that when I will be blown away it will be an added grief to see them being taken away too.

Yet I want a relationship.

I am standing amid a lot of uncertainties in my life, I do not even know how my next six months might look like. I have troubles from home, I do not understand what exactly will I do. I am gambling, in retrospect its unfair for me to ask a relationship of anybody. To put their heart and their feelings on the line for achieving my own selfish warm fuzzies.

Yet I want a relationship.

Maybe I read too many books, built up too many fantasies in my head. It is finally real world, those things that might have looked like scenes from a movie that have happened in my life before won’t necessarily repeat themselves.

Yet I wanted a relationship.

I wanted a relationship for all the wrong reasons, yet I wanted one. Even though the thought of one scares the living crap out of me, but just because I couldn’t get it from you I wanted it from you. I am two people in one, sometimes these two people butt heads against each other, they want to rip each other’s head off and want to shout bloody murder. But, yet I wanted to put these two people into a relationship with somebody else, preferably someone who didn’t want a relationship.

But when I saw you there, making summer plans I couldn’t handle it. I had to tell you I might not be there. When I saw the changed way you started to look at me I couldn’t stand there and rob another human being.

I can’t be in a relationship.
Because, honestly
I still love you.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Dear Valentine’s day

Oh Valentine’s Day, I am sipping wine.

I have lost count on how many times I have fallen in love-mostly really fast without measuring the repercussions, sometimes treading in there for far too long-then picking myself back again and diving head first in another stream with the same optimism, I have fallen in love with people’s supposed potential to love to the zenith, without realizing that just because I can ascend those levels-its not a given bydefault for them, I have waited around on them to realize, sometimes they failed and other times I did.

But mostly, I gotta say this, No Thankyou Valentine’s Day, lol really, No Thankyou.

I think I’d rather not spend another one with yet another gypsy thief, an opportunist or a cowardly man who says and unsays stuff at his own whim and is scared of being vulnerable. This red cladded city doesn’t scare me, neither does it make me miserable, it doesn’t make me flinch nor does it make me sick to my tummy.

But to people in first loves, may it work out, with ones who have been around, well your first doesn’t as much matter as much as your last.. and single people who are hiding and flinching, be glad you are not with someone who is not right for you

I guess I grew up 😀

Read Full Post »

tumblr_lw4fku9DNc1qcifd3o1_1280

Hi, I date inter-racially.

And when I do, I reach your probing eyes, sometimes you smile because you are happy that people like me exist, sometimes you are trying to keep a straight face, and I can see that. I get dirty looks too. And if you are someone from my race, you give me third and fourth looks, if you are someone from his race you still seem to accommodate more-thankyou! If you are an ignorant someone from his race, you like to call me “that little white girl” even on my fat days, yet I am Indian and I stand 5’6″ tall. It pinches, because you think I am nothing more than a light skinned girl-and that maybe he is dating me for my color.

If you are a guy from his race you look at me like I am fair game, and this hurts me even more, if you are a guy from any other race you are hell bent on to prove it to me that you are *big* down there too, and that is disgusting.

You have presumptions about me, because I am holding his hand. When you are a guy from my race, you think I am just playing around and that I am still fair game because I will never be serious about this dude, btw who told you that?

If you are an older person from my race you blatantly shake your head at me, as if I am committing a crime. I sincerely don’t need your judgments.

And you, yes you, the one I date, or I am dating, you doubt even my sincerest feelings for you sometimes, and that bloody hurts, your friends seem not to tell you otherwise, you call yourself “a huge waste of time” for me-and that hurts more than a thorn. Or when you think that I think that you are not good enough for me, when I am standing there doubting just whether I am even accepted in your damn heart, and maybe that gives me my weird expression. You think you are my fetish, that you are my ‘sexual experiment’, and even if its just a joke, that feels like an arrow thru my chest. I am aware of your color, I am aware of my skin too. We are only a few shades apart..

I have nothing against the guys of my race, nor do I have a thing for yours. Okay maybe I do, maybe I do like to date inter racially because I don’t like to bind myself to one kind. Yet, I just happen to be with you.

I just happen to be with him.

I just happen to be with him, because he makes me feel safe, because we laugh at the same things, because I can have a conversation with him without ever getting bored, I am with him because there is no dull moment between us, and even when we are laying un-groomed around his apartment, I still find him cute. Even when he hasn’t shaved in days or he packs in a few pounds, I still like him as much. I know what his every expression means, and he can read my mind. I like him because I can tell him anything, because I trust him. I think I like him because he is committed to his family and his work. And even though I am not religious myself, he is, and thats something I look for in a person I am with. I like him because he is a feminist. I like him because even on my bloated days, I go see him, and he looks at me like I am some goddess. Even when I am breaking out he doesn’t seem to care, if its broken he fixes it.

If it lacks luster. He polishes it.

And you know what, I leave it be like that, just so he can do it.

So next time you make a snippy comment, remember this, just because you are with your own race does not mean you will definitely have a successful relationship, the chances of you falling apart or making it as much as ours. And when you point one finger at me, remember three are pointing towards you.

And why are you still stuck in some medieval school of thought, if you don’t want to date inter-racially, just don’t! But don’t look at me in scorn 

Read Full Post »

So I want to write a poem

a big..ass poem

why? because I feel like on this canvas I am painting an insane picture

and like any artist I don’t like my work to be seen before it is finished

and they are all, and by all, I mean everybody

they..yes, they are trying to steal in a glance

and I cannot explain it to the unrefined, or the small minded

or the crass

or idk whoever it is that you are

because I am not making it for you

I am making it to make it

its a self expression

but you don’t understand

nobody does

I subside on goyas and coffee

everything and everyone thinks I am fucking crazy

but I want you to listen, yes you..

there is this pang in my tummy and I am mostly right

my best friend hits me up

and I want to break up with him

how do you let go of a friendship?

how do you tell them its not much needed

that lets be strangers again..

is there a card? can I say it with flowers..

I don’t know

no, I don’t care about your date night plans

because honestly son, you are dating a godforsaken bitch

and I can’t even growl at ya relentlessly

because they will think am green in jealousy

when I really am not

but lets just be strangers again

like please..

and maybe in some future you can stroll by and see what I made of my life’s canvas

and I know you will understand, much of it I presume

life goes on

its migzara

 

 

Read Full Post »

Read Full Post »

%d bloggers like this: