Archive for May, 2010

how could you do that to yourself, Beyonce!

deffi not the same Beyonce

But oh I still love you,

(turn it up, for this one 😀 )

Beyonce is one artist, I have the deep respect for, the woman is outstanding with her work, seems to have a good body image and is an overall good role model, if we wanna come to that.


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Throughout my life, atleast up until now, if I have wished for one thing, it is this: at one time in futuretime I become very well read, well exposed to music and arts from across cultures, yet have an original opinion or a like and dislike for almost everything. It has been a dream from long ago. Sitting in my school library which was relatively small to the ones we come across in college, I had thought to myself that I will exhaust it.

Here’s a dark confession, I almost did. The school I went to was divided into three sub-divisions, the usual junior, middle and senior, each had a separate library-and although I couldn’t lay my hands on all the books from my senior library I was quiet a success with the first two. No I wasn’t that pencil neck sitting in the corner, with huge dark rimmed frames encircling my eyes. I have been pathetically common all my life.

Yet innately so, I just can’t. I do not understand jazz music, I am an Illiad illiterate, I only like Shakespeare when inacted (PS: I loved Omkara), and although I will confess I have gone back to Macbeth over and over, yet, still, I am not what I thought I wanted to be. Lately I have seen a peculiar phenomena, I have started relating to every character I meet, real or reel. We often see in movies how people pursuing the non-creative fields are often creative, how they have this longing in their lives and a hollowness sometimes. I am beginning to get a bad feeling, which has been fleeting my mind lately, and that is, I fear my daddy is gonna be right about this one. My digg, it lies in business, and I am gonna be pathetically good at it. Oh no no noooo

But that was Plan B, I wanted to be something more than a money making-cost crunching machine. Ofcourse I love money, but to be honest I think after a level, it is indeed relatively easier to make money than be brave enough to be satisfied in less and settle for your passions. At this moment, while I write, my dad is in a hospital bed, nothing major there at all, just an operation in a day, friends are there plenty, people of the society too, family-we all are truly there. I go to him, and he gives me instructions to go about the business, he wants to get outta the place only because he likes his business. I have seen him all thru my life, I have loved him, hated him-both from the bottom of my heart, like every other daughter. But looking at him, I would say, not a bad life to have, actually its quiet nice. But then I look again, I think about the could haves, he could have been a doctor had he been allowed education, or maybe a chemist, i don’t know. I ask my mother sometimes, if she really married the man she loved. She looks at me as if she can’t comprehend the question, it becomes foreign to her. And I wonder, I wonder in awe, maybe I am a bystander to their lives and hence I get to look, and then look again and deliberate. And maybe we aren’t supposed to look again.

Maybe its alrite for me to be mediocre in arts and music, I’ll settle with reggae on slow days and house/electro every night-I’ll save jazz for another lifetime, maybe I should leave the classics for them scholars-cause to me they truly are books of fiction, and I like truth better-for they say its stranger than fiction; maybe just maybe when I find love, and like mum I’ll automatically stop looking and never wonder if I married the right man; and maybe I am gonna be business afterall.

Lets see, for now I am an illicit illiad illiterate and I’ll leave it at that.

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One of my good friend of all times, once told me over one of our skype chats (wish I could say under the stars conversations) ..lol, so he recommended me to watch “Good Will Hunting” not that I am a genius, he said jokingly, but I should be able to identify with the main character Will Hunting played by Matt Damon, on many levels. Ahh well, I candidly thought that he was Robert De Niro from the taxi driver. Hes one guy I can say-who not only ponders over what I think regularly but he has also thought my unthinkable too, and forever has a ready answer. He is as if preparing himself for that one moment in his life, where all of it is going to make sense.

Ofcourse I saw the movie, it ws about Will Hunting who is  a math genius working as a janitor at MIT, who anonymously solves an extremely difficult problem set by the professor, the professor is in awe and wants to know who is the mystery solver. He tracks down Will and finds him to be in the dumps, doing nothing good with his life despite having the talents. Will somehow lands himself up in jail, and to bail him out the professor proposes that he work with him and on the side see Sean, who is a psychologist. Will doesn’t innately believe that he needs therapy, yet his other option being jail, he takes it. He is as much of a challenge to his therapist, he refuses to open up, coming from an abusive foster-care childhood he believes hes at fault with everything in his life, and that he truly doesn’t deserve. He meets Skylar, a harvard student who is quick to notice his smarts yet when she moves to California from Boston and asks Will to come, he refuses and her requests are meet with a tantrum. She understands him, and that scares him. Although he still thinks hes not deserving. A disappointed Skylar leaves for California, despite having an amazing relationship together they seem to part. Only Later Will gets inspired by Sean’s story about him and his wife and he leaves for California cause as he says “I had to go see about a girl”, meanwhile in the movie we see a tug of war between Professor Lambeau and Professor Sean, both extremely brilliant and old classmates, yet only one recognized and the other living in the shadows he choose.

Here’s one of my favorite scene from the movie

The above video is a spectacular example of borrowed knowledge and such.

Here’s another one

Anyways, I came back from watching the movie, of course Will finds his way, we all can’t be hunting all the time.

Deliberate or Decide, my greatest Dilemma…

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If people look at the indian film industry and still think that we are still dancing around tress and our movies are very musical, they must clear their visions. With movies like Madhur Bhandarkar’s Page 3, Homi Adajania’s Being Cyrus, Vishal Bhardwaj’s Nishabd or even Omkara, Chini Kum, not to miss Black etc arriving long ago, we had stepped up our game. But today indian small screen, aka the silver screen has also graduated to the next level. With silent comedy show, such as Gutur Gu aired on Sony SAB. As I was browsing thru channels, I came across this silly comedy playing, and I soon realized it was silent, ie silent of only dialogues.

At first what seems like an Indian Mr. Bean, one soon realizes the show has more content to it. A wikipedia search will let you know that its a show based on a character called “Balu a simple, innocent and super enthusiastic person who stays with his family consisting of his wife, parents and his grandmother. Each member of the family has an interesting role to play, right from being a television addict grandmother to a manipulative and demanding wife.”

But I was just amazed to see that how we are progressing, and although I wouldn’t give the show a high rating, yet the concept is good, and we are getting there.

Until next time, for better viewing.

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It is the new fad, I will not understand, and I refused to keep my eyes closed for a longer time. Here it is, in your face and you can’t help but observe and mock the shit out of your own psychology. Our sexual behavior is subject to fashion.

So what is it with men, liking woman on woman action? well my friend replied: “its as simple, two naked women!”

ok, alrite. Got it.

So what is it with anal sex? No answer there, its common knowledge among the students of sexuality and the experienced that it is supposed to be painful for both the sexes. I can draw its origin from gay inter-relations. And I will quiet understand the need there. But really? anal sex between a man and a woman? when both find it painful. But ask a comfortable couple, if they aren’t too bashful they will let you know that they did try.

Another new syndrome, perfectly straight women acting gay. At some point all of us have, I have! It may vary from jokingly saying that you are a lesbian when you are clearly otherwise to even going as far as making out with another girl. Just to test waters, some say. But really, its happening because everyone is doing it. There is no way a straight girl can derive pleasure from kissing another girl, chemically biologically it is not possible. And it doesn’t happen.

So what is my point really? My point is, that these sexual acts, besides being sexual in nature are happening because they are in fashion. They are happening everywhere and hence they happen. From a pure anthropological point of view, by evolution what is anal sex really fetching us? It is not increasing the reproductive success of the either sex, nor is it increasing fitness(survival). But well, people might also argue that by the same standards gays and lesbians can’t exist, because they aren’t also conclusively contributing to their own reproductive success. But, studies show that gay people do demonstrate altruistic  behavior towards their straight counterparts and in many human societies help raise children. A counter-argument there is, that we all know “gay-genes” exist and so do CAH-chromosomes, some people are known to have extra pair of X chromosomes. And although these alleles/ genes don’t contribute to the reproductive success, they got carried down because of naturalistic fallacy. Naturalistic fallacy, is a condition where traits that do not directly contribute to the reproductive success of an organism also get carried down. eg. Gay gene OR traits that are bad, such as those of rape etc. Some people aruge, that rape is learned, while others argue that it is inherent (and thats a whole different blog-post)

Coming back to the point, if you have observed a group of men, you will observe a very peculiar thing, firstly men gather because of common interests, their interactions-later friendships develop after activities, while in women its quiet the opposite. In women, generally friendship and emotional bonding comes before activities. Not that am saying one is better than the other, yet this does dictate our conduct. Consider the following scenerio, an averagely hot woman walks in, there is a group of males sitting, trust me, even if two out of them agree that she is extremely hot, they will convince the other thirty, if not fully that she is extremely hot. Its almost like a nuclear chain reaction. Similarly, woman on woman action is an acquired taste. And so is anal sex. Although on some levels i feel that the men’s need to contest competition has also contributed to the widespread anal sex.

Sexuality is fashion. And its not something new, its been there forever. Like our choices in cars, couture, and caviar comes from fashion, so does our art of love making. We convince ourselves, that some acts get our libido levels rising.

Our own minds, are the easiest to fondle with. I’ll leave this to that.

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A friend who underwent cancer, once told me that as cancer takes a toll on you, you loose a lot of weight. And as she was loosing this weight she came down from 155 pounds to an almost 100 pounds, during this time people would come and tell her that she looked good, and asked her what she was doing. She replied, I am dying.

I am not saying this because I am overweight myself, I am saying this because this is how it is, we have become a society that overvalues being underweight. Maybe I should be in the normal healthy range and talk about this, cause am sure my healthy weight will weigh in some credibility to my argument. Or else it obviously sounds like me being jealous or what not. In all honesty, how is underweight attractive let alone healthy. Yesterday at my cousin’s engagement, my mother said she looks good, she only looked skinny. Truth be told, shes 21, and she has been starving herself in rebellion of not wanting to tie any knots. Understandable. Yet I shrunk after dear mother said that, but bounced back within the next moment too. Its just pathetic to have the breasts of a fifth grader when you are 20, or be man-chested. I find that odd, where is the femininity in that? ok, so all bodies aren’t alike, and some of us are skinnier than others, but as long as you are comfortable and not constantly insecure about your weight, I guess you are good to go. But having a realistic view about yourself, is also quiet helpful and required. Or what life is that, where you are constantly hungry, starved and unhappy altogether. I don’t ask anyone to derive happiness from food too, because that leads us to the other extreme of the same scales, which to is quiet a disaster in itself and filthy in my opinion. If we come down to it, food is just some chemical particles vital for our everyday being.

Another revelations, I almost thought for the longest time that am a bad writer since I talk too much about my ownself and my own experiences. Yet its a true realization that most writers are indeed narcissistic, obviously too much intrigued by themselves and their experiences and hence a constant dire desire to tell and retell and be heard furthermore. Or maybe just great storytellers. I read someplace some day, that every story has many sides, but not every side is quiet a storyteller like the other side. As Mario Puzo says in the Godfather “a lawyer with a briefcase can steal more than ten men with arms” dare i say a writer with a pen can influence more than a politician running a campaign. Ahh well, what a sweet parody of the age old “Pen is mightier than the sword” I just gave, but it was an after-realization and hence I am not that much guilty. Another thing about writing is, plagiarism. Plagiarism, ask any college student and 9 out of 10 will tell you they have been accused of the same one time or another, intentional or unintentional it happens. I once went up to the graduate student was conducting my english 15 class and discussed plagiarism, because to be honest, I am quiet confused, everything I will write anywhere will confirm to a certain degree of plagiarism; because everything we say or do or write comes from a series of thought process and that thought process obviously has a borrowed origin. Come to think of it, no thought is really original. We have our perceptions which are a function to our exposure, and our exposure is a function to our conditions and choices, which again are a function to our perceptions or those who might be choosing for us.

to be continued

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It doesn’t take many heartbreaks to realize by yourself how hollow you are within, but what it takes is that one fulfilling relationship, where you lost your inhibitions, where you find in them a friend, where you finally let go, where you could be you, where you wanted to run and tell them everything and you wanted to know everything about them. You want to know what they feel, constantly, even if its as small as about everyday mundane things.

But once we get out of it, life seems to come to a halt, you are single again. You become alone, in the big world, which you were accustomed to live alone in, in the first place before them, almost overnite becomes a place where you are handicapped without them. A very intelligent person once observed, “You don’t miss it unless you’ve had it.” Your friends start calling you a cynic if you don’t set your heart on the next boy suitable that walks in, but they, they don’t understand. You are afraid, you are afraid that something as perfect would never repeat itself again-even with a more perfect guy. And thus starts the cycle of flings, sadly but truly Monroe takes over, you almost become a smart girl who kisses but never loves, listens but never believes, and you leave before you are left. You become afraid of anyone hopeful of love, you almost start dreading the word itself. You think you aren’t capable, you think you aren’t deserving.

Until, the hollowness starts taking a toll over you, your inner lava ready to burst, because but ofcourse when you don’t really love while kissing, when you don’t listen while hearing and when you leave cause you are too afraid of being left, none of them really gives a shit about you. You are as alone as them, and you are just some “once I..” than a “once upon a time”. You are just another person to them, as they are to you.

Enter, another phase, the desperation. Miss Clingy emerges, she finally settles for “the friend with benefit”, now hes turning into something more, she thinks and taxes her head way too much, its common knowledge that “the friend with benefit” falls right apart when the either starts feeling more involved than what is required on the surface. Ofcourse we all are humans, and sooner or later by getting either morally or emotionally motivated we want to see a future. And there this phase ends.

Stage, I don’t know which, this is the phase where you are with someone who is probably more into you than you are in them, yet you are the one feeling the burnt of not having the relationship recognized and affiliated. And quiet honestly, one stays in this one for longer they anticipate. This is the relationship with someone who is socially hated, or the relationship is too cross-cultural and would raise a lot of eyebrows. this is taxing too, turns you into this person who is very touchy and defensive on issues of race, religion and thus. Oh well, atleast you get to grow in perspective.

So what is the answer, to a heart ache? another relationship, when we know our every relationship is but a parody of that first we ever had, ok not the first one, maybe the second one. Yet, or is it alrite to go with the notion that when the desirable isn’t available the available becomes desirable. But isn’t that an unfair bases altogether?

Sometimes I really wish, I had a birth mark of his initials tattooed someplace on my skin and vice-versa. Relationships came with instruction manuals. Well, well now this is wishful thinking altogether. Ofcourse normative is not attainable.


where words stop, music speaks. 😀

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